I sent the following Email to my spiritual director this morning:

Dear Spiritual Father Elias –

Have you ever had someone do something to you so rotten that it hurt right down to the bones and wouldn’t stop?  I don’t wish to go into the details, but I had that happen at my former Ruthenian church.  Not only did it hurt me, I was denied something I wanted because I believe the same person slandered me to the hierarchy.

It took me over a year to start living again after considerable prayers and going t the Sacrament of Confession to confess my anger against the people in the church who turned on me.  It took me another year + to stop having bad thoughts about these people every time I saw a picture of them in some media. Honestly, when this first happened, I was so devastated I just didn’t care if I lived or died.

My question is this: is it wrong for me to still talk about this event with others? I think people have a right to know the kind of despicable trash that happened to me and that this church is not living up to their Christian identity.

My spiritual father, Elias, sent this back to me:

Dear Ed,

I have some thoughts to share, but first please read and pray about the attached. As I read this earlier today I thought about not only my own struggles win this area, but about you as well.

I would recommend that you use this for your spiritual reading for the next few days. Once you feel that you have extracted all you can from it for now, feel free to move on to something else.

Note: Although this was written for those living in community and under monastic obedience, it presents a number of valuable lessons for us who live “in the world.”

My brother, if you are under obedience to Fathers, your unshakable faith will be apparent from this: not in their lavishing attention on you and in your hearing sweet and gentle words, but in your showing endurance when they strike you and insult you; for even a wild beast becomes tame and meek when you flatter it. Do not, then, feel bitterness towards him who cause you distress, if you want to become a vessel of election, but be subject to your teacher in all things, with serenity, just as the Lord, when He became man, was subject, in humility, first to His Mother and to him who was regarded as His father, as the sacred Evangelist informs us:  ” And He was subject to them” (St. Luke 2:51); and then to His true Heavenly Father, to Whom “He became obedient unto death, even the death of the Cross.: (Philippians 2:8), as the Apostle says.

You should accept with gratitude the afflictions that befall you and the instructive tests of your Abbot; for, as Holy Scripture says, “What son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.” (Hebrews 12:8)  Have your superiors beaten you? Rejoice over this and correct your fault. Now, did they beat you unjustly?  Then your reward become much greater. For when the Apostles were preaching salvation to the world, they were beaten like criminals in various cities; and yet they did not get angry or indignant: but “they rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for His sake.”  (Acts 5:41)

But perhaps one of the more negligent brothers will say: “I am grieved that this happened to me, after the many labors that I performed in the monastery.” To him we could say: Does this really distress you, servant of God? Understand from this that after the many years and many labors to which you appeal, you have not yet overcome your passions.  for if one has the opinion that he is something, whereas he is nothing, he deceives himself like a lunatic.  Just as the pilot shows his professional competence when the seas are rough, so also the monk shows what kind of monastic he is when his superiors insult and scold him; that is, whether or not he endures these testings with joy, as he would if he were making great profits, or is bothered and distressed by them.  He who boasts that he has spent so many years in the monastic life, but presents no proofs of his labor, and has not succeeded in acquiring this holy way of life, is like one who carries around tools which he has not yet learned to use.

Have you grown old in the monastic life?  As one who is experienced in this life, you should be an example for the young, who are still inexperienced. Let all the others be astounded by your patience and your forbearance; let the Holy Spirit, Who dwells within you, also rejoice at your perseverance. You should be thankful more than everyone else, since you are suffering everything for your spiritual benefit.

I reckon that he who has assumed spiritual protection over you will not rejoice at your imperfection, because he is going to give account to the Lord for your salvation. By contrast, he will be all joy if he presents you as perfect to the Lord.  This is why you are obligated to endure gratefully whatever comes from him – even if it is painful – as a means of healing, not of punishment.  If you are not able to put up with a small affliction or temptation for the sake of the Lord, then how will you endure a great one? And if you cannot endure an insult, or a slap, or a blow, how will you carry the cross which you promised, right from the beginning, to bear on your shoulders? And if you do not carry your cross, how will you become an heir of heavenly glory with those who say:  “All this is come upon us, yet we have not forgotten The, neither have we dealt unrighteously in Thy covenant.” (Psalm 43:18)  And again” “For Thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are counted as sheep for the slaughter” (Psalm 43:23)

Beloved brother, have we forgotten all that the Master of us all endured for our sake?  He was insulted, beaten, and told by the Pharisees that He had a demon: and yet He did not get angry. They slapped Him, buffeted Him, mocked Him, nailed Him to the Cross, gave Him vinegar with gall to drink, and pierced His side. He endured all this for our salvation, yet we cannot endure a small insult for His sake.  How will we look at Him face-to-face on the Day of Judgment?  What defense will we have when, along with the other benefactions He made for us, He presents these as well? And what compensation will He seek for all these? Let us come to our senses, by beloved, and when we have regained a brave and firm heart, let us say with the Apostle that we are ready, not only to be bound and beaten for Christ’s sake, but even to die (Acts 21:13)  For if we are ready to suffer with Him, then we will assuredly be glorified with Him, and will become fellow-heirs with Him in the Kingdom of Heaven (Romans 8:17) 

Dear reader, this is very bitter medicine. It is bitter because it is true, and truth is a bitter medicine to those of us who wish to live in illusion about ourselves.

How strange it is that we do not see our sins as other see them. How easy it is for us to think that because we have done a few acts, performed a few prayers, observed a few Divine Liturgies, that we are somehow now people who are worthy of much honor, when in truth, our inner state is still filled with much passion and desire for vainglory. It is so easy to look at the sins of others, especially those in the spotlight of life – the public figures, the people in authority, the hierarchy of the Church, and wish the greatest punishments possible for their public failures, yet not think the same of our failures, which are more than public, for they scandalize the watching saints, angels, and God. We observe people doing evil and wish them an eternity in hell, not realizing that we are wishing for them that which we ourselves so richly deserve.

In obedience to my spiritual director, I took a dose of this medicine this morning. It was bitter to my taste and confusing to my soul. I do not know how to be so humble. I think that I deserve recognition for the things I have done in the Church and the service I have rendered, rather than having a deep and sorrowful realization of how, as St. Paul said, my sins have negatively affected the whole Body of Christ. I swallowed the medicine, but I think it will have a long time – perhaps the rest of my life and then some – having an effect on my life. I do not know how to deal with such strong medicine as it is contrary to the whole way of life I have lived for so long – seeking the adulation and honor of men. That I cannot easily receive this, that I cannot understand it, shows just how spiritually sick I am, despite how I may look on the outside to those who do not know my passions and my sins. I really want to run away from further doses of this medicine, for it is very bitter, but to where shall I run from the Spirit of God, who like a gentle mother, will pursue me no matter where I go and administer yet another dose.

In closing I admit that even though I write these comments, I am far, far from beginning to understand this all, nor to admit the depth of my sin, for if I really were aware of the seriousness and depth of my disobedience to Christ, the passions which I have read about this morning  would have me in bitter tears for the state of my soul.