I was recently directed to a most interesting blog by an Internet friend who is struggling with her own conversion to Orthodoxy. From what I can gather, there are problems with the parish location, which is fairly distant, and the priest who is in charge. Being filled with human beings, Orthodoxy is not perfect.

My attention was caught by the following comment:

I can’t help but think that temptations for a Roman to sail to Byzantium are often temptations from Satan. This is not to say that the Easterners are satanic; indeed, I think it might sometimes be a temptation from Satan for an Easterner to gaze longingly at the Tiber. But as Christians, we ought to be first and foremost uniting ourselves to Christ. If we can do that within the Church of our birth, of God-only-knows how many generations of our fathers who followed Rome, then why should we fret about whether the Byzantines are doing “better” than Rome? If you can live a proper Christian life within Rome, why leave? And if you can’t live a proper Christian life within Rome, might the solution not be found in Byzantium, but rather by examining yourself?

I have lately stood often at that quayside, and looked out at the sea. But to sail away is merely to turn my back on the problems I have here, and now; and my greatest fear is that I’ll find them on the other side.

Perhaps my few wonderful loyal readers may remember that I have been wandering this desert of potential conversion to Orthodoxy for some time, meandering through vast stretches of arid thought and reasoning while praying the Lord for some sign that this move would be in accord with His will.

I read several pages, finding  that, much to my dismay, the blogs are all ancient. The last archival entry of this exquisite writer is from March of 2011. I delight in clarity of thought and poetic license in writing. Alas, there appear to be no recent musings. The site is an ancient intellectual guidepost, the signs pointing the way are dusty with time. It is a layover, a place where one might sit and ponder for a short while, then having exhausted all that is posted, continue the journey with fresh and interesting thoughts in mind.

My first sense, upon reading the quoted response highlighted in red, was that it was saying, there was no reason to leave, that one could practice the 12 Steps listed by Fr. Thomas Hopko, and still be a Christian in good standing without necessarily being Orthodox. This is nonsense. No, it is worse than nonsense. Nonsense can often be seen as such, while bad theology can be hidden for centuries under the shining veneer of  pious actions

Bad theology produces bad results. It is like junk food for the soul – delightful to the taste, but having the same effect on the soul as a steady diet of Big Macs and Whoppers have on the body.

theology (n.) mid-14c., “the science of religion, study of God and his relationship to humanity,” from Old French theologie “philosophical study of Christian doctrine; Scripture” (14c.), from Latin theologia , from Greek theologia “an account of the gods,” from theologos “one discoursing on the gods,” from theos “god” (from PIE root *dhes- , forming words for religious concepts) + -logos “treating of” (see -logy ).

Theology is how we come to understand what little we can understand about the infinite God. Therefore, when a “theologian” teaches about God, he is creating in our minds a picture of who this Being is, how He relates to us, and most importantly, how we are to act in this world. This is no small thing, and when you come to understand how the theologies of the multitudinous Western assemblies present God, as opposed to how Orthodoxy presents Him, you should become as incensed as David Bentley Hart is over this bestial destruction of the character of our loving heavenly Father.

Bad understanding of God = bad actions on earth, done in fear,  to try to please Him. Bad understanding of God = child sacrifice to the Canaanite idols. Got to please this angry  God or our crops won’t grow and we will starve. Bad understanding of God = belong to our religious assembly or you will burn forever. Bad understanding of God = I am God’s anointed, and if you don’t follow me, I have the right from God to kill you. Bad understanding of God = the Roman Catholic Church is God’s Church, therefore, we must kill His enemies. Thus the leveling of Constantinople in 1204, the violence against the Russian Orthodox Church, and the killing fields of the Ustashi in WWII, to name a few. Bad understanding of God = English and Scottish Protestants murder over 4,000 Catholic priests and hundreds of thousands of Catholics. One would think that Jesus never taught “love your enemies and do good to them that hate you.”

The Orthodox Fathers of the Church who fought against the various heresies which plagued the Church for the first 10 centuries of her existence understood this well. Take away the deity of Christ and you eventually destroy salvation. Require circumcision and you confuse the Old and New Covenants, with the end result that Christ is no longer Savior (if you understand the Messianic symbolism of circumcision).

Why is it difficult to become all God intends you to be if you are Protestant or Roman Catholic? It is because – and I speak for myself now – I cannot approach God if He is the always angry God promoted by certain dogmatic statements which are still being taught today. How can I be comfortable in prayer if  instead of encouraging me (“You can do it. I love watching your little prayers.”) He is rather the Irascible Perfectionist who is offended that I ate one spoonful too many of Hagen-Daz last night, and thus my prayers are now worthless to His holy eyes. (Which would be a pretty good description of my earthly father).

The God who awards salvation for saying the Rosary every day, all your life, or for keeping a succession of First Fridays or First Saturdays, is not a loving heavenly Father. He is a cosmic vending machine that only gives out salvation if you punch the right keys. This is not relationship, this is buying your way into His grace by your actions. Do this or that, and BINGO! (a good Catholic word) you have an Indulgence! Spend it wisely.

I am not suggesting that one should live the Christian life carelessly, especially in the matter of sin. But there is a difference between avoiding sin because you expect to get hit over the head by a cosmic 2×4, and avoiding sin because you love your Father and want to deepen you relationship with Him. It is the difference between bringing your wife flowers so she doesn’t get angry with you for missing your anniversary vs the joy you feel at her smile because you deeply love and care for her. If you are saying the Rosary every night, it should be because you love Jesus, love Mary, and wish to express that love. Unfortunately, the messages we get regarding this prayer have more to do with earning salvation than just expressing love. Do you see this?

What I feel from Western theology is a constant stream of intellectualism which presents a distant God who is only understood dogmatically. Orthodoxy, on the other hand, appears to me to present God as ever encouraging me to enter into a relationship. As I see it, the Jesus Prayer is about silence and developing a relationship. The Rosary is about earning Brownie Points for the Judgment Seat. Remember, do so many Rosaries, and you are automatically guaranteed salvation!  But…but…but…what happens if I miss one?  Well, start all over again (and hope you don’t die before you get them all done or …. too bad for you!).

In the Fundamentalist Protestantism of my younger days, God was only pleased with you if you had every single one of your doctrines just right. Any deviance from what Preacher Marx taught was a sure sign you were going to miss heaven and make hell. I remember one such thought policeman questioning me on whether or not I used the KJV translation of the Bible. When I deferred to other versions, he went on a slobbering, wild-eyed rant about the purity of the KJV Bible that had me afraid he was going to leap over the table of our shared dinner and pummel me. I kid you not!

In the Fundamentalist churches I attended, I was told to make God happy (in other words, to get His love) you should attend church every time the doors opened. You had to tithe, and if you didn’t, God would punish you by extracting the money in some other manner, like having your car break down – and the repairs come to exactly the amount your tithe would have been!  I heard that story once in a “Revival Meeting” and it did it’s job. I was scared to death not to tithe from then on, even though we were very poor as a young couple and behind in our bills.

In examining my heart and motives over this past Lent, I found that everything I have ever “done for the Lord” has really been done to placate Him and keep His anger at bay. Bad theology has contributed to this with its dire sermons, various threats, and assorted crazed fanatics. It is the same wretched theology which made the Calvinist Governor of Massachusetts rejoice upon hearing of the slaughter of unarmed Native American women and children because they were “unelect savages” and were thus being sent to the hell they so richly deserved.

Winthrop’s Christian savagery was really nothing more than the epistemological end of Augustine’s errors when he pronounced mankind as a “massa damnata” and promoted the idea that only a certain “elect of God” would receive mercy, with the rest of us poor wretches getting what we deserve for just being born. How bizarre to see men who left England because they were being tortured and killed for their faith, turn around and use that same faith to justify the killing of others and the stealing of their lands! One wonders if Winthrop and his ilk died expecting lauds from God because he killed the “enemies of God” in cold-blooded murder?

How does one not become warped by such presentations of God?

And ultimately, the result keeps on going. As my spiritual father, Deacon Elias, told me one day, “Dysfunctional living is the gift that just keeps on giving.” The hard, cold, dysfunctional God of Western theology made me a miserable Christian to live with. Just ask my children. It presented to me a Father who was just like my own earthly father from my own dysfunctional and emotionally warped family. In Western assemblies I went to, I learned how to become a emotionally cold perfectionist desperately trying to please a perfectionist God. I made a nuisance out of myself, telling people they were going to hell because they didn’t believe exactly as I did. No wonder I didn’t make any converts. Who wants a God like that? Only as I have begun to dig more deeply into the Orthodox faith have I just slightly begun to understand that God is love. I am trying now to get into my heart the following facts

1. God loves me. All the time. Everywhere.

2. I don’t have to do anything to make Him love me.

3. The things I do I want to do out of a real love for Him and thankfulness for His mercy.

4. As I pray, meditate in silence, and think on His love, I will grow in my love for Him and in my likeness to Christ.

5. I am not doing what I do to earn heaven, but to come to enjoy a real relationship of love.

6. If I grow in this love of Christ for all men, even my enemies, I will never do the things that have been done “in the name of  God” to another man or woman. Even to those who persecute me.

There are certainly wonderful people in Protestantism and Catholicism. They have mastered love for Christ, despite the errors of their theology.  I haven’t, and as long as I am outside the fold of the Orthodox Church, I have a deep sense that there is only so much growth I can experience in this life. Truth has an effect on life. So does falsehood. Because of my dysfunctional upbringing and religious background, Western theology, which may not hurt others,  is spiritual poison to me.

I have lately stood often at that quayside, and looked out at the sea. But to sail away is merely to turn my back on the problems I have here, and now; and my greatest fear is that I’ll find them on the other side.

Yes, I will bring my problems to Orthodoxy.  But when you are sick, you don’t keep doing the very thing that makes you sick. You go to find the cure, bring your sick self to it, and by doing so, you become well.

Orthodoxy is the cure for my soul.