The last great victory of the Infernal Underworld was the shredding of the Body of Christ into thousands of pieces by the Protestant Reformation. The great warfare of the underworld is to keep the Body of Christ splintered. Every demon in hell is expected to master the deceptive arts in order to bring souls into torment. Through a series of mysteriously intercepted Email messages, these deceptive arts have been revealed.  Not since the Screwtape’s instructions to Wormwood were published has such information about the machinations of the underworld and its nefarious schemes been available. The discovery of  the messages reveals modern tactics which are currently in use to keep men and women out of the apostolic faith and keep the Body of Christ fragmented and powerless for as long as possible. 

From a discovered Email marked with the date October 2015

Wisdom for the incoming class of future tempters.

From: darktormentum@lake_of_fire.org

To:  Imp Class of 2019 – General Mailbox

To my fine young imps:

I bid you welcome, albeit late in session, since certain developments have turned my attention from this opening message to items of a more pressing nature. The combined efforts of numerous Master Trainers has managed to somewhat settle down the distractions we are receiving from the Enemy’s bishops in Africa, and plans are moving forward for the next attack on their obstinate refusal to bow to the suggestions we make through certain clerical stooges, such as certain bishops in Germany. Infiltration in the Enemy’s Church is a fine art, and produces a gratifying yield of dissent and confusion. Our work is to simply spread it like a virus.

So – having settled this temporarily, I now bid a fiery welcome to the class of 2019. Having observed several of you as you have gone through Imp Classes Level 1 to 12,  I find myself almost salivating with pleasure at the thought of the souls you shall bring as a feast for the Masters of the Dark Underworld.

You enter into the last and most intense stage of your training at a time which is unique in our history. Never before have we had the human vermin so confused and so eager to lap up our suggestions of immoral behavior as they are now. Never before have we seen such a wholesale theological confusion on the part of the Enemy’s Church. Combined with a delightfully rancid coating of hedonism – which makes them delicious when we get our claws upon them, we are seeing souls fall into hell as never before. Yet at the same time, there are ominous portents on the horizon, and great problems with which we are dealing.

Perhaps the worst of these – and let this be a grave warning to you – is the mess we are dealing with in the Middle East. Yes, it is true that over the last thousand years we developed a considerable pipeline of souls to this realm upon whom we can richly feast. In addition to that, the creation of such organizations as ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Hamas, Boko Haram, and a few scruffy others which are fairly unknown, has tripled the flow of souls to our realm in the last two decades as they detonate themselves and others into bloody pieces with an admirable ferocity. Unfortunately, this feast has come at a price which is most displeasing to our Dark Lord – and greatly painful for the fool who created it. I am delighted to say that this miscreant was no student of mine.

His name is Glustermurphus. He is currently providing food and entertainment for our Dark Lord, for as you should have learned from Master Screwtape in Fifth Imp Class, in the Dark Underworld, you either bring us food or you become food. I am not sure if this one was born defective or in his pride – the pride which we all share and which is the very foundation of our existence – he thought himself smarter than centuries of demonic instruction and learning. It was his suggestion, incessantly whispered in the ears of George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Colin Powell, which started the Iraq War and ultimately destabilized the entire Middle East. Things were going along nicely enough, with a steady stream of Mohammed’s deluded followers finding themselves in our clutches. The old adage is very true here: sometimes it is wise to leave well enough alone. Take the souls you are given and be done with it. But no! Despite warnings and the lessons we have learned from the past, this moron, this miscreant fool, decided that a nice war would not only bring us more souls, but also be the foundation for establishing a number of terrorist organizations through which he could urge them to great exercises of bloodlust. This would be easy, of course, given the bloody nature of the religion we founded in the seventh century.

But our idiot student either forgot or didn’t care about one thing in his desire to enjoy human death and reap more souls – the blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Enemy’s Church. Violence and death are one of the worst means we ever tried in the war against the human vermin. We are now losing souls at a horrendous rate. The entire Middle East is being overrun with conversions to the Enemy’s Church. There is something about martyrdom which drives human beings to our Enemy in droves. We learned that lesson in the first three centuries, and after seeing an intolerable amount of loss to the Dark Underworld, decided that a much better course of action was to quietly subvert the truth from within the Enemy’s Church. Not as much fun as watching the human vermin die (there is something about human blood that is absolutely orgasmic to a healthy demon, which is why we love possessing abortionists) but as long as we get the souls of the meatbags down here to feast upon, the end result is what counts. Violence results in humans turning to the Enemy and bringing others with them. Bad form, gentleimps! It is therefore something you want to avoid at all costs. I caution you to learn well from this tale, for there is no such thing as mercy in the Dark Underworld. Glustermurphus did not listen and is now a screaming pile of food for our Dark Lord, and shall remain so for an indeterminate period of time until our Master’s wrath is satiated. Believe me, this is something you do not want.

Upon your matriculation, some of you will be no doubt receive assignments to this area. If this situation is still ongoing, you will face the challenge of bringing this mess under control. Once humans have tasted the pleasure of unrestrained killing of other humans, it is hard for them to stop. It is my hope that among the imps in this class we potentially have someone as bright and energetic as Grand Master Screwtape or Great-Grand Master Scrufulomus, both of whom have led the Dark Underworld in legendary exploits of mass damnation. Perhaps in this class there is one imp who will manage to return this area to a pleasant and even-tempered parade of souls to our banquet tables rather than the roiling mass of seething confusion and loss of souls which we are experiencing now. I will be observing you closely for the next for years, looking for that one imp, and I have already seen a few promising signs from a couple of you.  Do well and study hard – my eyes shall be upon you.

Another area of concern in which you will be trained is the serious attack our abortion franchises are under, especially in America. We have mounted a significant counter-attack with some of our best soldiers in the government of the United States. Wise imps in this class will take as much of their time possible to study the coming battle over this most important work we have developed. Yes, it is true that every baby murdered is a soul we lose, but the trade-off for that soul is much better than the alarming losses we are suffering in the Middle East. For every soul we lose to abortion, we gain the soul of the “doctor,” those who help him, the escorts standing outside, the mother of the child, the politicians who support abortion, and anyone else who in any way supports this most wonderful feast of blood for us. While our Dark Lord absolutely despises the loss of even one soul, this is a trade he finds minimally acceptable. Abortion has been so prolific in delivering souls to us that no doubt many of you will be pressed into the battle we wage to keep this practice going, as well as to expand it into other countries, the foremost in our sights being the aforementioned Africa, where obdurate bishops in the Enemy’s Church are proving to be formidable in their opposition to our plans. Nonetheless, due to our takeover of the institutions of higher learning in the world, young human minds are incapable of rational thought and logic. Philosophies such as “Natural Law” make no sense to them whatsoever. Instead, we have taught them that their emotions are the touchstone of truth. Therefore, whenever you are assigned a subject, keep that in mind. Pride and emotions are the two most effective weapons we have in our work. We will win this battle precisely because we shall continue to present videos of whiney women crying because they can’t get appropriate “health care,” or how their “rights” are being violated,  and no one will have the logic, or intestinal fortitude, to say “Well, if you don’t want to get pregnant, stop having sex.”  

So you enter class at a great time, a time filled with both great promise and extraordinary challenges. I look forward to making you into great tempters so that the great name of Infernus will be even more glorified, more respected, and more spoken of in awed tones. Do not fail me!  Listen carefully, apply yourselves, work hard, and great reward can be yours also. If you do not….well, go stand outside our Dark Lord’s mansion when you have a free moment and listen to the screams of those demons who failed him as they provide him pleasure and nourishment.

That should be all the motivation you need.

I shall see you in class on Monday.

Yours for the damnation of human souls,

Master Infernus, Greatest Among Trainers.